The Words I Did Listen To: A Letter About Writing, Surviving, and Choosing to Speak

Writers don’t only write because it’s the only way they feel heard…

Sometimes writers write because it’s the only way they feel…anything

It’s the only way they can fully articulate their emotions

I’ve been told that some things should stay in my diary

And maybe that’s true (except I don’t own a diary anymore🙄…)

But if it is true, that would make me more Anne Frank than Viola Davis — who is living and telling her story and receiving live reactions and feedback and stories of inspiration and encouragement based on her life and work…

And like Viola, and unlike Anne…

I’m not dead, I’m alive

I’m not hiding, I’m free

I’m not surviving, I’m testifying

I opened my first book, The Words I Didn’t Listen To, with a personally infamous line from one of my male best friends, “Girls are dumb.”

To get the full story, you should read the book. But this gist is: I’ve known this guy since I was 10. He’s known me through all of my boyfriends — which means, he’s known me through my worst. He’d seen me stressed over ridiculousness, begging for attention, and grasping for love that never existed. Little known fact, he also titled that book, as a joke, but it ended up being the very thing that made the most sense for a title — because the book is indeed, full of, “the words I didn’t listen to.”

Long story short, He saw what I didn’t want to see: I was giving more than I was getting. Holding on to relationships that held me back. And that, in his eyes, made me “dumb” for downplaying my worth.

He wasn’t wrong.

When I think about self-esteem in terms of our woke, and growing (thank God!) therapized society today, the answer would be to blame my parents or my childhood for the areas of lack of self-esteem that held me to the love of boys too tightly.

It would say that I lacked love or attention, that I was overly criticized or neglected, that I was bullied or abused, or its societal standards, or comparison or discrimination.

I’m blessed never to have felt any of those things at home or school in a way that impacted my self-esteem, as far as I can remember. I am quite vocal about and aware of my perfectionism, which was absolutely bred, and also bleeds.

I believe what has most impacted my self-esteem is a combination of relationship betrayal and perfectionism — the perfectionism that made me hold on to the parts of relationships that felt like they were working.

Betrayal, in its many forms that I’ve experienced, multiplied by perfectionism, fueled anxious attachment — a hopeless romantic trait and a self-esteem red flag.

But this isn’t wholly about men.

It’s about the way I’ve held on — to love, to validation, to anything that felt like proof that I was enough. It’s about the need to prove myself in all areas of life. I’ve seen it show up in school, at work, in dance, in friendships — it’s a thing I’m actively overcoming.

So yes, in many ways, childhood, society and our experiences shape us, but at some point, healing becomes a choice. Knowing you’re enough simply by breathing is a decision. An action — a thing to actively overcome.

But before that, our unhealed choices, decisions, and actions often make a mess. But messes, if you learn from them, are just recipes for…

Testimony.

Testimony — the story of an act of overcoming.

Sometimes, things happen in your life, you make mistakes, you go the wrong way, you hold on too tightly because you need to learn a lesson and stop being dumb.

When I wrote The Words I Didn’t Listen To, my self-esteem was tied to love. When I wrote IKIGAI, it was tied to purpose. And now? It’s tied to my own name and story, all the ways God is continuously shaping me, and the truth that my self-esteem is rooted and blossoms in Jesus’ love for me.

Because His love is the love, just like the facts are the facts. And I’m not going to tell on you without telling on myself first, so let’s talk about it…

#Fact — I have very rarely been single.

Another #fact — I haven’t looked for a man. They just show up…as they should. 😉

And another #fact — I love love, and I’ve typically fallen fast, and a fast fall will land hard, and boy is that a lesson I’ve learned the hard way.

And after that last hard lesson, I did, and continue to do serious introspection. But beyond introspection, I did, and continue to do some adventuring. Because to learn about yourself means to do familiar things differently, do different things often, to often take risks, to risk looking foolish, seemingly doing too much, or moving at a pace that seems unusual for the sake of a remarkable experience.

Last Valentine’s Day, I went to my favorite restaurant alone. I mean at night…surrounded by couples. But, have you seen the pictures?! 👀

For months, every other Tuesday, you could catch me eating $1 oysters after work — solo.

For my birthday, I went on my first girls' trip in years with my best friends, and a blast was an understatement.

I dumped my WRECK of a therapist and got a new, amazing one who I saw twice a week.

I got more massages than you could imagine.

I scheduled museum dates with my friends.

I partied with my family for birthdays and retirements and more birthdays, and more birthdays.

I planned new outings for my boys and made sure they never went to the same “fun place” twice (we’re running out of ✨affordable✨ options here…leave some below😂!).

I hopped on a train to see my sister.

I hopped on a plane to go to a wedding.

And all of my experiences, all of my adventuring, all of my introspection led me back to myself. To a stronger, higher self-esteemed, more loved me, that was there all along, but did (as we all do) need a reminder of who she is.

And while, my good, good man has loved, supported, and stood by me, as I’ve been on this journey, and I couldn’t be more grateful, I’m also grateful to be learning how to be full without company.

Even more, I’m grateful for company that allows me to be fully me, even when my self-esteem doesn’t feel full, or my day is feeling half empty, or I’m pouring from a fully empty cup, or my life can’t seem to match the fullness I feel it deserves.

The kind of company that doesn’t demand that you be full, but simply present, as you work your way back to yourself.

That’s the kind of company I have now. And, it’s the kind of company I’ve always kept, I just had to remember.

Self-esteem is an unending journey. My faith would say, “He (God) who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). This means we’re constantly a work in progress. Self-esteem isn’t an achievement — it’s a practice; it’s an art.

This is why I’ve learned to write in the middle of my situations. Because, I’m not Anne Frank, I’m alive, and I’m always in the middle of growth, of learning, and of transformation. And, my storm is always proof that I’ve seen rainbows before, and I’ll see them again, and someone else needs to know that that’s true for them too.

I write because I’m still learning. But at least now, I’m listening.

So, to whomever you are — self-love is a practice. And I promise you, I’m practicing this fine art. I just hope you are too.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34–35