Cleaning Up My Smile: What an Anonymous Text Taught Me About Shame and Self-Worth

“When are you going to get the stains off your teeth? Don’t you think it’s embarrassing?”

The text came from a random number, no name attached, just those few words. At first, I stared at the message, letting it sink in. You know how something hits you out of nowhere, and at first, you don’t know how to feel? That was me — caught between disbelief and shock. Who in the world would send something like that? My mind raced through the possibilities. Was it someone I knew? Someone watching too closely? It felt personal, I knew that for sure.

The shock quickly shifted to something else — annoyance. It’s the feeling I typically note when I don’t feel good about something, but not enraged — it’s irritating and I know it won’t leave my mind easily, but I also won’t get deep into my feelings. I actually don’t know why Almost Unbothered wasn’t featured in Inside Out 2. I’m not the type to be sad about things like this or let it make me angry, I actually typically laugh things off, speculate and then let it rock. It’s like a mosquito buzzing in your ear — hard to ignore, but eventually, it flies away.

And that wasn’t the only jab being thrown my way. Not long after, my motherhood and character were questioned. All for what? Unknown. The devil was busy, and it’s easy for him to use people he’s always had access to in order to attack people that make him flee. The devil is a mosquito.

Then, there was another message, in the form of a “word from God.” Someone I know personally, who hadn’t even checked on me, fully aware of some of my circumstances, told me I was “not okay.” That maybe I had gone off course, listening to the wrong people, ignoring what God might really be saying. The gag is…

I knew I was okay, especially by this point. I knew I was listening to the voices that mattered and most importantly, I knew I was listening to God. What I was going through wasn’t some crisis of direction; it was clarity.

These messages came at a time when I was working on reclaiming pieces of myself — fresh out of my marriage. I had spent too long adjusting my life to meet someone else’s expectations, without my needs being met in return, bending and stretching myself to fit a version of me that wasn’t fully true. Now, I was focused on rediscovering what brought me joy — traveling, eating (after all that weight dropped💃🏽), fashion, writing, finding creative ways to spend time with the boys (truly enjoying them getting older), and loving the people who love me authentically.

So yeah, I was smiling a lot. Maybe a little too brightly for some. And clearly, that rubbed someone(s) the wrong way.

For so long, I had smiled to keep the peace. I laughed when I wasn’t really amused. I played the part of “happy” even when it didn’t fit. And I didn’t even realize I was doing it — it had just become second nature. But now, the mask was off, the smiles were real, and the joy was mine.

I’ve grown past the need to perform happiness. God has been at work, putting me in the right spaces, painting my smile with His own brush. I can see His hand restoring not just my smile, but my love for myself — my love for love — and above all, my trust in Him. I know He’s secured my future, because I know He carried me out of my past.

Please know that I don’t share my stories for pity or praise. I know I’m strong, and it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know I didn’t deserve the negativity, but that doesn’t stop more from coming. It actually made me feel awkward when people saw the post and responded with sympathy. While I appreciate that and would have done the same, I share to prove that there’s joy on the other side of trials. There’s truth on the other side of gossip. There’s growth on the other side of someone trying to break you down. There are the true smiles on the other side of tears. I share because there’s someone paused, confused, shackled, crawling on the side I was on and I know sharing is an avenue to persuade someone to hope.

I had to claw my way back to myself, but with His help I did it. And that’s grace. That’s what God does — He makes you, your heart, and even your smile new, white as snow. And that’s the gospel.

And now, here I am. Smiling — for real.

Want to brighten your smile too? I used Opal by Opalescence, and you can too. 😂🦷 Shoutout my man, my man for putting me on. 😘